McNamee Mediations is an example of a successful small business in California. They are experts at divorce mediation. In the video below, Colleen talks about one of the causes of divorce, which is when couples get lost in their roles of marriage.
Getting Lost the Roles in Marriage
Below is the transcript of the video:
So number three: becoming lost in the roles.
Becoming lost in the roles can potentially be a three stage progression. So stage one would be when you first get married. Couples have a tendency to stop spending as much time, or spending less and less time with their single friends. Whether it’s because, you know, you can’t really relate to them, because they’re out bar hopping, and that’s not what you’re doing anymore and it’s not conducive to your lifestyle or your marriage. Or you just spend a lot of time together. Or you spend a lot of time with only other married couples. So that’s stage one in becoming lost in the roles. And stage two is when children come, and then you spend less and less time as a couple. So here, you’ve pulled away from all of your single friends that have been a part of your life when you first get married. Now you’ve had children, and your focus is on your children. Obviously, when they’re young, they’re completely dependent on you and they need your undivided attention. But you have to be careful that you’re not forgetting about your spouse, and that does typically happen. And it’s easy to have that happen, because it’s start with a baby, and the baby needs you and is totally dependent, as you know.
Women, I think she’s talking to you right now.
Hey, hey hey!
But you’re right. I have a six month old at home, and it absolutely gets difficult. What’s the third stage?
Yes. So this is kind of the end of becoming lost in the roles. So you first get married, then you have children, and you kind of slowly but surely growing further and further apart as the initial couple that you were when you first exchanged your vows. Then the third stage is after children. And I see this a lot with the older couples that I’ve worked with to facilitate their divorce process. Many husbands and wives at this stage have grown so far apart over the years that once the children are out of the house, and it’s back to being just the two of them, there’s no connection any more. And they can’t even remember why they got married in the first place, because there’s been such a huge gap that’s been created. And this goes back to number one, the lack of individual identity. It’s so important that you balance your own individual identity with being a couple. And having common interests as well as individual interests, because if you don’t, once the kids are out of the house, you don’t have any shared interests anymore, and what’s going to reground you?
Yeah. I think you’re absolutely right on that. I know when my dad retired, and was at the house all day long, all of a sudden for the first time in my life I saw my mom and dad bicker, like crazy they were bickering.
It should be like a newly sung life. You should be falling in love all over again at this stage.